When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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