my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
