I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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