Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
