If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
3 2 1 whiskey
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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