I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
