This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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