so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
