Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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