Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
