One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
