dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
