I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
