When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
