i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
we're making bets on your personal life
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize