i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
