Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
