So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
