Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
