All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
