I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
