I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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