Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
