...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
