He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
