I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
