why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it's like iHOP with fire
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
