just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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