I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
