my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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