Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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