FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
