He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
