Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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