I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
