my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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