it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
