I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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