I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
