I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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