Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
