When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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