I think my fart just growled at me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
