I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize