jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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