I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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