my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
