Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
