My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My breasts were aching with rage.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
