I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
