So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
