"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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