My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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