i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
