Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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