I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
