The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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