I puked a lego.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
