Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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