I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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