Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize