i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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