i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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