I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
