Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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