tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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